Let it snow!

A couple weekends ago it was VERY frigid for us here in Texas. Dude....I'm talking it barely got to 32 degrees as our high! But it didn't even snow here in Austin...well at least not NATURALLY.

The outdoor mall in our area had a huge snow blowing machine set up. SOOOOOOOOO much fun!

They made snow angels, slid down a small snow hill and of course had a good old fashioned snow ball fight. We left with numb hands and rosy cheeks :-) As much fun as it all was, I'm glad we don't get snow here all the time...it was FREEZING LOL!

It's VLOGcember!

First I would like to say thank you to everyone that reached out to me after my last post. The 'want' is definitely still there, but I no longer feel selfish and/or sad about my 'situation.' Faith, you were right...talking/venting about it all definitely is making the sadness go away :-) I still get very teary eyed, especially when I open FB and I get 5 status updates announcing a baby is on the way. I have cried less and less and that is good. Again, thank you for all your support!!

Now let's see...oh ya...

IT'S VLOGCEMBER. A lot of people are calling it VLOGmas on YouTube...but I kinda like VLOGcember better: you know, vlogging everyday in December (and not just until Christmas).

I don't know about you but I guess I'm kinda a voyeur...I love watching what other people "do." I love the unedited real lives of folks. I follow a lot of bloggers/vloggers on YouTube and thought, hey, I can do that...so I did. And then stopped because I felt like I didn't do a whole lot that was interesting. Then I realized, the vlogs I do watch, do most of the same stuff I do. So I said to myself: "Self, let's do this!" So I'm back at it again. Vlogging is fun! I don't upload everyday vlogs like some folks (which kinda IS the point of VLOGcember), but instead, I compile 2-3 days worth and upload them all together...unless a 1 days vlog is 5 min or longer.
I'll be posting my vlogs here so you don't have to always go to YouTube. But I would love it if you visited me there every once in awhile....and maybe subscribe to me, like my vlogs, and maybe even comment while you're there :-D (how's that for a shameless plug?)

The one where all I do is cry....

Before Big Daddy and I got married I suffered a painful, 4 month miscarriage. He was devastated! I was devastated. We knew that once we got married we would want to have a child right away. And we did. I got pregnant with Juju after about a month of being married. After having him, we thought, you know what...with my 2 older boys, our family was complete. He did not mind at all having only 1 child. Around Juju's 1st birthday we toyed around with the idea of maybe, maybe, having another one. The decision was unanimous that he (along with my older 2) was all we needed. Shortly thereafter, my period didn't come and there you have it LOL. Baby #2 was on his way. During my pregnancy we toyed with the idea of getting me "fixed" so as to not have another surprise later. I was all for the idea, then not for the idea, then all for it again...you get the picture. The week before I had BamBam I went to pre-register myself at the hospital and made the decision that he would be our last child. So on April 10, 2008 after they pulled his big head out of me via c-section, my doctor cut my tubes and burnt the edges...forever sealing off any chance of getting pregnant ever again.

Every now and then since 2008 I get a mild case of baby fever that goes away shortly thereafter. But not this time. This time is a different story. All I've been thinking about since the beginning of November is how much I want to have another baby. Financially, it would totally NOT be ideal, but dammit! Ugh and I'm back in school...Am I being selfish? I've spent countless hours over the past month searching online "can I get pregnant after my tubes have been cut and burnt." And I just cry. Reversal, in vitro, pure miracles... I've never wanted to have another baby so much. I start to talk about it with my husband and then chicken out because I know he does not want to have another one or I'm afraid he will actually say he would like to have another. And then I just get so mad at him and think to myself, "you made me do this, why?" But it's not his fault. And then I cry again. I've been so emotional about all of this. I think good god woman, everything is going great as it is so stop being selfish, and that makes me cry. I have talked to a few close friends about how I've been feeling and they tell me these feelings should pass...but do I really want them to? Its my stupid "clock." I never believed in that notion until now. Now it's actually ticking away, day by day...and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry.

THIS is a big reason why I haven't really been around here much.
Will I get through this? Yes. When? Who knows. Until then, pass me the tissues...