The one where all I do is cry....

Before Big Daddy and I got married I suffered a painful, 4 month miscarriage. He was devastated! I was devastated. We knew that once we got married we would want to have a child right away. And we did. I got pregnant with Juju after about a month of being married. After having him, we thought, you know what...with my 2 older boys, our family was complete. He did not mind at all having only 1 child. Around Juju's 1st birthday we toyed around with the idea of maybe, maybe, having another one. The decision was unanimous that he (along with my older 2) was all we needed. Shortly thereafter, my period didn't come and there you have it LOL. Baby #2 was on his way. During my pregnancy we toyed with the idea of getting me "fixed" so as to not have another surprise later. I was all for the idea, then not for the idea, then all for it again...you get the picture. The week before I had BamBam I went to pre-register myself at the hospital and made the decision that he would be our last child. So on April 10, 2008 after they pulled his big head out of me via c-section, my doctor cut my tubes and burnt the edges...forever sealing off any chance of getting pregnant ever again.

Every now and then since 2008 I get a mild case of baby fever that goes away shortly thereafter. But not this time. This time is a different story. All I've been thinking about since the beginning of November is how much I want to have another baby. Financially, it would totally NOT be ideal, but dammit! Ugh and I'm back in school...Am I being selfish? I've spent countless hours over the past month searching online "can I get pregnant after my tubes have been cut and burnt." And I just cry. Reversal, in vitro, pure miracles... I've never wanted to have another baby so much. I start to talk about it with my husband and then chicken out because I know he does not want to have another one or I'm afraid he will actually say he would like to have another. And then I just get so mad at him and think to myself, "you made me do this, why?" But it's not his fault. And then I cry again. I've been so emotional about all of this. I think good god woman, everything is going great as it is so stop being selfish, and that makes me cry. I have talked to a few close friends about how I've been feeling and they tell me these feelings should pass...but do I really want them to? Its my stupid "clock." I never believed in that notion until now. Now it's actually ticking away, day by day...and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and cry.

THIS is a big reason why I haven't really been around here much.
Will I get through this? Yes. When? Who knows. Until then, pass me the tissues...